A Search For Survivors

The second half of my informal interview with Mia*, a fellow adoptee and AT/P survivor. This post focuses on the “therapeutic foster homes” and TFPs (therapeutic foster parents) that the child victims of AT/P are often placed in. Please refer to the previous post for the first half of our conversation.

*Name has been changed.

Wayward Radish: Did you stay in the same foster home for both times you did AT/P?

Mia: Yeah. The foster home you were in–was that like two foster parents whom you had to call “Mom” and “Dad?”

WR: No, I didn’t have to address them as my parents. Did you?

M: Yeah. We had to sit down on the floor cross-legged in the corner if we weren’t doing anything…raise our hand if we wanted to talk, always call them Mom and Dad. They treated me and other kids like their own personal slaves. We had to clean their house from top to bottom, pick up their dog’s poop in the backyard by hand with one paper towel…I had to paint their whole fence myself one time, but I liked that cause it was one of the few times they left me alone. I know they lived by the forest and fires were bad, so we had to go up on this hill type thing and rake all the pine needles away from their house. Oh, and they made us do push ups, and as counting you had to shout, “1, yes Mom! 2, yes Mom!…”

WR: Wow. My foster home was far from pleasant, but it wasn’t as bad as that.

M: I don’t think it was a real foster home, it was just where I stayed during my AT. The TFPS weren’t like foster parents to me…it’s weird, I just don’t look at it like that. I was in a foster home before I got adopted and the lady was my foster mother, so that to me is a foster parent.

WR: You’re right, TFPS aren’t truly foster parents, but foster parents can be TFPs, if that makes sense. I think my TFPs were also foster parents to some other kids, because they got more freedom and got to go school. Anyway, what was that first foster home like?

M: I remember having alarms on our bedroom doors. They made the basement the lady’s office and there were 3 bedrooms down there. Earlier this year I received and replied to an email from the foster mom…we don’t really talk. There was a girl however that was a friend of mine when I lived in there and she and I talk.

WR: So you were in AT for a 2-week intensive session when you were 14, and then you went back a few years later and went through it for the whole summer?

M: Yes. The second time I had a chance not to go…I had a layover in Dallas and my friend down there said he would come pick me up. I begged my mom not to send me back like right before the second time…and when I was leaving the airport I turned around and told her I hated her, then turned around and got on the plane. Of course I caught hell for it when I finally reached Colorado. I started catching hell from the moment the plane landed. I didn’t tell them that the plane had a layover, and they raised hell about that too.

WR: I had an opportunity to run away the second time I was shipped off to Colorado as well…I suppose the reason I didn’t is because they threatened me with prison and all manner of insane punishments if didn’t go through with it. That one girl, Candace Newmaker…they threatened her with prison and getting her head shaved and tattooed if she didn’t “cooperate.” Were there any other kids you saw being “treated” at the AT clinic?

M: You didn’t actually see them. You had to sit outside if the weather was okay and you had to sit in like a waiting area if it wasn’t.

WR: Yeah, I never saw any either. I believe they purposely isolate us like that.

M: Yeah. The other kids who lived with the TFPs went through AT too, but we weren’t allowed to talk to each other though.

WR: That was my next question, whether you talked about AT with the other kids…

M: No, we usually had to be quiet.

WR: You weren’t even allowed to socialize with the other kids?

M: Not really. We whispered sometimes, but I don’t remember what about.

WR: Do you remember how many other kids were living there?

M: Um, the first time I think there were 2 other kids, and then the second time I think there were 2 kids at first but 1 of them went home. The TFPs adopted one of the kids.

WR: OK, random question–did your TFPs have a lot of pets? My TFPs had several ferrets that stank up the house, they also had an iguana that tended to bite.

M: They had dogs (2 I think), 2 birds that chewed holes in the wall and an iguana too.

WR: What the hell is it with TFPs and reptiles?

M: *laughs* I don’t know.

WR: Did you attend school while you were living with the TFPs?

M: Nope, I went in the summer. You?

WR: No, I was kept out of school, which I hated. Pretty much the only people I was allowed to interact with were the therapists and foster parents. I got to socialize with the other foster kids though, at least.

M: The second time [with the TFPs] was in ways worse. But in ways better…

WR: In what ways was it worse/better?

M: It was better because I think I might’ve gotten to go out and hang out with their other kids more, but I can’t remember exactly…oh and I lost weight the second time (I had gained a lot of weight cause of medication back home). It was worse because it lasted a lot longer. I wrote a letter that I put a lot of thought and stuff into and the TFP read it and was like, “this is bulls**t, you’re just making s**t up.”

WR: What was the letter about? Why did you write it?

M: I don’t remember exactly…I think I apologized for the way I behaved at home…I dunno.

WR: What was your therapeutic foster dad’s name? Did you spend much time with him? Mine wasn’t around much and he basically wasn’t much of a threat.

M: I’m trying to remember his name…he was at work a lot, but he could be a real dick. I was always with the foster mom, not the dad.

WR: Yeah, me too. I think that’s generally the policy with TFPs.

M: The therapeutic foster father’s name was Clayton…I’m looking at their site: http://www.instituteforattachment.org/bios.htm

WR: Thanks for that link, I hadn’t seen this site before.

M: Oh dang, their daughter is now working there. Katie Stoltz.

WR: Man, I can’t believe these people are so out in the open. My torturer, Connie Boeding, had the relative good sense to run scared and try to hide in a private school. I’m working on a huge post listing every single AT therapist and pro-AT/P advocate.

M: Cool!

WR: Any other reasons why your second stint in AT with the TFPs was worse than the first?

M: I would go to other TFPs cause the ones I was staying with went out of town or something. One of the sets I stayed with was supposed to be like “boot camp” for me because they thought I wasn’t being productive enough. I had to run for a mile or so in the mornings and all I was allowed to eat was peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. I think once I got a piece of pizza. The worst part of my time with there was when my parents flew up there to Colorado to tell me a very good close friend had died…and the place wouldn’t let me go to the funeral. The whole place wouldn’t. It was like..they said it would be bad for my treatment if I left and of course my parents did whatever they said.

WR: Oh, my god. Those unmitigated bastards. ‘Scuse my French.

M: It’s all good.

WR: What was the food situation like with the TFPs? Aside from that “boot camp” set that only fed you peanut butter & jelly? Did they ever tightly ration your food? Or deny it as punishment?

M: They rationed it, but I don’t know about denying it. I just know that if you didn’t want to eat what you had, you didn’t get anything else.

WR: So what kind of coping mechanisms did you develop or use in order to survive the torture and drudgery?

M: In the car my TFP would have the radio on and I would just listen to the music and go somewhere else in my mind, and then I would just like remember songs in my head. That’s all I really had.

WR: Still a big music fan?

M: Yes! Music is my life…I can put my earphones on and slip away. I had even thought about getting a pair of headphones tattooed. *laughs*

WR: Do you sing or play any instruments?

M: I used to play instruments. I played saxophone, piano, violin.

WR: Wow. What are you studying now at school?

M: [ETA: Subject withheld]

WR: Bit of a departure, but practical!

M: It’s basically the same stuff every day at work…you know what to expect. I get overwhelmed easy if there’s a lot going on around me and it’s rushed and all this stuff…and I get stressed out very easily, but I’m working on it.

WR: A lot of kids with a history of abuse can become overstimulated by their environment. AT/P probably exacerbates that.

M: Yeah.

WR: It’s strange, I didn’t really get into music until I was put into foster care…it coincided with my adolescence, but the other kids were all really into music and turned me on to a bunch of stuff. It was an awakening of some kind, I guess…of course, foster care also meant that I was also exposed to a lot of drug abuse and sex at a young age, but hey. *shrugs*

M: *laughs* Yeah.

WR: Anyway, anything else you remember about AT/P?

M: I remember the “rules.”

WR: “Rules?”

M: Well, at least some of them. “Mom and Dad’s way,” “right the first time…”

WR: You mean what you had to shout and repeat during the therapy? Or do you mean rules you had to follow while living with the foster parents?

M: Both. They really drilled it in in both places, that’s got to be the only reason I remember the rules. It was always what they wanted you to be and do..like parents ask you to do something and you do it and get it right the first time…no need for repeat…and you do things the way your parents want them done.

WR: Sounds like you were subjected to the Nancy Thomas school of parenting, which expects kids to “be responsible and always be fun to be around” and “comply with parental demands fast, snappy and right on time.” That’s part of the whole typical age regression “break you down and build you back up again” bulls**t.

M: It’s almost like they think they can reverse the trauma that happens in early life…like they can do this to you and “oh look, it’s healed!” Like they got this idea of what a kid should be and how they should act, and they think they can create that by AT/P. I don’t remember hearing about Nancy Thomas, but I know that my parents and the attachment therapists got books from this institute called Love and Logic. (http://www.loveandlogic.com)

WR: Thanks. You know, even having lived through this, there’ll still always be moments where it does your head with its sheer, schmaltzy stupidity. I mean, the “Love and Logic Institute?” What abject morons.

M: Yeah. *laughs*

WR: So were you on your “best behavior” when you got home from the AT and TFPs because you didn’t want to go back there?

M: For a bit.

WR: Did you fake affection towards your adoptive parents?

M: I sat in the living room and if I wanted to say something I had to raise my hand…but it didn’t go on too much longer.

WR: That’s ridiculous, having to raise your hand to speak to your own parents.

M: Yeah. The second time it went smoothly for a couple months or so…but I ended up moving out over one weekend. They said it was a manic episode. I just packed up and moved out overnight…my adoptive parents didn’t know where I was for like a year or two.

WR: How old were you when you moved out?

M: 17-18

WR: Now, after AT/P you said that you fell in with a bad crowd?

M: Yeah, sorta…I was supposed to go to a friends house that weekend..I ended up never going home..i would stay out all night, get an hour of sleep and do it all over again. I hung out with people that had a lot of drama…it was a different world.

WR: Oh boy, drama.

M: Oh yeah. *laughs*

WR: Was it a means of getting away from your parents?

M: Yeah I think so…to get away from all that.

WR: Did you get into drugs or drinking?

M: I took energy pills, like lots of them…but no, I never really took drugs and I didn’t drink heavily.

WR: You didn’t take those energy pills before you went to AT/P?

M: No. I was never really into drugs and alcohol.

WR: Me neither…which is surprising, because I was surrounded by lots of it.

M: Yeah, you see what it does to other people…and that’s enough.

WR: So do you keep in touch with those other kids from the TFP home?

M: No. Never saw them again.

WR: Me neither. So, you said before that you’re still in touch with your parents–do you maintain a civil relationship with them?

M: Yeah, civil. My tolerance is pretty low though.

WR: That’s fair enough. Parents who are willing to put children through this kind of torture don’t deserve to be parents in the first place, that’s the bottom line. I’m really impressed that you’ve managed to maintain any kind of relationship with your adoptive parents.

M: I do love them. I don’t know what it is or why. *laughs* I’m usually not so easily forgiving. I guess in a way I feel a bit guilty.

WR: Guilty? How so?

M: My parents weren’t expecting to get a child like me. I know it depressed them. My Dad and I always seemed to get along…but my Mom and I never really did. She’s a control freak. I apparently was a difficult child. I still don’t feel good enough for my parents…like I’m not what they want.

If you are a fellow survivor of attachment therapy/parenting, please e-mail me at waywardradish@gmail.com. Anything you tell me will be kept totally confidential, as will your identity should you choose to go public with your story.